The Titanic Diaries
by Irish Story Teller
Summary: The humorous diaries of the Titanic passengers, crew, and one Mary Sue! Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the _Titanic_ characters. They all belong to their respective owners and history. I make no money off this fic, it is written for entertainment purposes only.

**Author's note: ** Please do not take this bit of silliness seriously, it has only been written for fun. This silly little thing was inspired by the Mary Sue test and journal entries seemed to be the best way to go about writing it up.

**The diary of Rose DeWitt Bukater,**

I am aboard the _Titanic_ today with Cal and Mother.

On the way up we noticed a strange woman who appeared out of nowhere and was in first class! Imagine that! You can't make stuff like this up.

She had a hairstyle that looked like a fountain. It was silver with purple streaks running through it. She also went without neither hat nor gloves! Maybe they couldn't be found. She needs to fire her maid and whoever does her hair. It's so unnatural.

She's about my age I'd imagine. Though she could be far older and just look half her age. Maybe she found the fountain of youth. I must ask her because I know some people who could use a swim in there.

She also had some strange lizard like creature with her that she announced only _she_ could control. I don't think the officers are going to be too happy about that.

I'm bored.

I'm going to go find Jack!

**The diary of Cal Hockley,**

That strange woman who boarded with us is...how do I say this? She has a strange effect on all the men.

She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen...that is if you can look past the silver and purple hair and the very vibrant pink eyes. Not including albinos who have pink eyes?

She even has the same effect on the officers who are tripping over themselves to help her. Why even today I saw First Officer Murdoch get into a fistfight with Third Officer Pitman over who got to pick up her handkerchief.

I, however, being the gentleman that I am swooped it and got it for her. On the cheek she gave me the best kiss a man can ever receive. Lucky me!

**The diary of Ruth Dewitt Bukater,**

The First Class girl breaks all the rules and yet everyone still loves her! How can that be? I could run down the decks of _Titanic_ naked and I would be ostracized and yet she goes into the men's smoking room and they don't bat an eye. A woman in there! Imagine!

Why today I even saw her fixing the engines and she didn't even get a speck of dirt on her.

Because of this I have resolved to steal her clothes. They fit her perfectly and I believe us to be close to the same size. The colors aren't what I'd choose but that's nothing dying won't fix.

**The diary of James Paul Moody,**

That strange first class passenger woman hung over me all day. It was very difficult to do my job of taking the temperatures of the air and the water with her draping herself over me like that. She whispered in my ear and gave me the saddest eyes she could muster. Those eyes were so sad and I almost started crying myself.

It's almost impossible to resist her but I must! I must not give into temptation.

Think of the lizard thingy she carries... That is one hideous animal that only she can control. So what exactly _is_ it? And more importantly _why_ did she tell it to bite my bum? Is that some sort of term of endearment? If it is I don't want to know what a term of anger is.

My bum hurts.

**The diary of Edward J. Smith,**

Mister Moody screams like a girl.

If I didn't see it myself I wouldn't have believed it. The First Class woman whose name is September Sapphire instructed her little dragon lizard thing to bite Mister Moody. It walked right up his leg and bit him squarely on the bum. All I can say is I'm glad it wasn't me!

Who names their child September? Methinks she's going to sue her parents when she comes of age.

By the way, _how_ did she get up here? Passengers aren't allowed in the wheelhouse. They aren't even allowed to touch the wheel but as Mister Moody was running around shrieking she went and guided the _Titanic_ along for at least a minute.

Note to self: tell Thomas Andrews to put locks on the wheelhouse.

**The diary of Charles Lightoller,**

Stay calm old chap. Stay calm!

Oh the hell with it! The master-at-arms is running out of room to imprison all the men who fight over who gets to help that queer and yet oh so gorgeous woman.

She is rather strange. She can solve any and all problems that may arise with _Titanic_. We're the officers so we should know these but we don't and she fixes all our problems and even flutters her eyelashes at us. She even knows of the problems before they happen.

This can only mean _one_ thing...

She's a witch!

**The diary of William Murdoch,**

Mister Moody has been acting rather strangely lately. He insists on doing his duties while carrying the heaviest book he can find with him. He's even practiced dropping it on things and fending off "a lizard thingy" as he calls it. He keeps himself plastered against the wall so that his backside is not facing anyone or anything.

I think the poor lad has gone mad.

September Sapphire has been falling in love with all of us. I've told her I'm happily married but she just won't listen!

Mister Lightoller runs away screaming when he sees her but that doesn't stop her from chasing after him. The last I heard she was saying something about wanting to meet him in his cabin alone.

That certainly won't do.

She says she's suffered some terrible trauma in her past but can't remember it. She even claims to be a distant and illegitimate member of some royal Russian family but she can't remember who they are.

And I'm the Queen of Scotland.

I wonder if history will remember any of this.

**The diary of Jack Dawson,**

September Sapphire is an amazing dancer! She can even dance better that Rose and I didn't know that was possible. Maybe she slipped Rose a hundred as a bribe so Rose would pretend not to dance well.

A hundred dollars would be nice right about now.

That lizard thing follows her everywhere and hisses at us when we try to touch it. Stupid thing.

Wait, what am I saying?

Lizard! That's good eating!

Now if only I can start a fire and find something to roast that lizard on...

**The diary of September Sapphire,**

Oh, today was absolutely wretched! One of my hairs was out of place all day and I'm positive those handsome officers noticed. That must have been why darling Charles ran away screaming today. **Sniff, sniff**

The women of _Titanic_ don't like me either. **Sob** Why today I saw the Countess gagging when I went by. Humph, they're just jealous that I'm so much more perfect and loved than they are. Everyone loves me and nobody hates me. Go me!

Perhaps if I cry out of one eye that will help turn them all over to me. Wait, has that been done before?

**The diary of Harold Lowe,**

If I didn't think September Sapphire was possessed before I'm sure of it now!

Let me explain, James Moody and I were having our supper when she came into the officer's lounge. That's a big no-no. When we (politely!) told her she would have to leave she started to cry but it wasn't just any type of crying. She cried out of one eye! How is that possible?

Poor James jumped up and ran out of the room screaming and covering his bum the entire time.

Yes, I've heard about the lizard.

That lizard is rather big with lots of meat on its bones.

I wonder what lizard tastes like.

**The diary of the **_**Titanic**_**,**

Mister Lowe and Mister Dawson are busy hunting for that lizard-dragon creature. I hope it doesn't breathe fire because I don't need any other accidents taking place.

Poor Mister Moody sits in a corner rocking back and forth while repeating to himself "Can't sleep, lizards will bite me. Can't sleep, lizards will bite me."

That September Sapphire is gone now. Whew, I'm glad that's over! Just one little "accident" from Yours Truly and overboard she went! I roared my engines loud enough so no one could hear her perfect screams. She had the tragic and perfect death that she always dreamed of.

...Hey, is that an iceberg?

**The diary of the Iceberg,**

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!


End file.
